Be a Christlike Communicator in Dating and Marriage, Says BYU–Hawaii President

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By Rachel Sterzer Gibson, Church News

As he welcomed students to the spring semester at BYU–Hawaii, University President John S.K. Kauwe III offered some fatherly advice. Stay on top of your studies. Get enough sleep. Stay active. Go out on dates.

“If you’re married, we expect you to keep dating and to nurture that eternal relationship with all your might, mind and strength,” President Kauwe said during a campus devotional on Tuesday, May 6.

Standing at the lectern side by side with his wife, Sister Monica Kauwe, President Kauwe noted that the sealing ordinance and eternal families are fundamental to God’s plan of salvation.

“Whether you’re just starting to date, or you’ve been married for years, the ability to talk openly, listen carefully and understand each other’s needs is essential,” Sister Kauwe said.

Using examples from their own courtship and marriage, President and Sister Kauwe shared lessons on being a more Christlike communicator — especially in marriage and dating.

Lessons from Courtship

President and Sister Kauwe met while attending Brigham Young University through mutual friends. They reconnected months later at a Fourth of July 10K race and found out they were both training to run a marathon.

The next day, President Kauwe called to ask her on a date. But Sister Kauwe said no.

“I didn’t want to say no,” Sister Kauwe related. At the time, however, she had been dating someone else. Even though that relationship was coming to an end, it hadn’t officially ended.

After she resolved things with the other young man, Sister Kauwe called and asked if President Kauwe wanted to train with her, thinking he would get the hint that she was now unattached and interested in him.

“She couldn’t have been more wrong,” said President Kauwe. Embarrassed by her previous rejection, he kept their subsequent time together focused on running.

Sister Kauwe noted, “We hadn’t even been on a date yet, and we were already facing challenges with communication.”

Eventually he did call her for a date but this experience illustrates a valuable lesson, Sister Kauwe said. “Say what you mean; don’t assume the other person is filling in the gaps with correct information. They are filling in the gaps, but most likely with the wrong information.”

They did some things right in their communications, President Kauwe noted. Running hundreds of miles side by side over the weeks and months gave them uninterrupted time to talk and for deep, meaningful conversations.

“With no distractions, we connected on a level that went beyond the surface, exploring topics that really mattered to both of us,” he said.

Sister Kauwe then encouraged listeners to “plan engaging, fun activities that allow for conversation, shared experiences and opportunities to see each other in a variety of settings.”

Communicate Openly and Honestly

After a few months of dating, Sister Kauwe knew she wanted to marry him, she said. One day, he told her about his friends who dated for three years while attending colleges in different states. Knowing that he was planning to begin his doctoral program the next year, Sister Kauwe thought he was wanting them to have a similar long-distance courtship.

For the next week she felt frustrated, anxious and upset and finally called him in tears saying they needed to talk. As they sat on the grass in front of the Provo Utah Temple, she asked, “Do you see yourself marrying me?”

President Kauwe said he was relieved. He had thought she wanted to break up. He replied, “Well, yes.”

She explained that she had thought the story he shared meant he was preparing her for that kind of relationship. He reassured her, “No, I was just telling you about my friends.”

That conversation showed her, Sister Kauwe said, how open and willing President Kauwe was to communicate, listen and work through things. “I felt understood, trusted, safe and loved.”

President Kauwe said he had assumed that Sister Kauwe understood how he felt about her and their future but hadn’t made either of those clear.

“The lesson we learned from this is that you must trust your partner and share your real feelings with each other,” said Sister Kauwe.

Former Relief Society General President Barbara B. Smith* taught: “Trust is to human relationships what faith is to gospel living. It is the beginning place, the foundation upon which more can be built. Where trust is, love can flourish” (“A Safe Place for Marriages and Families,” October 1981 general conference).

‘Dating Is Communication’

President Kauwe encouraged listeners to seek for unity. “Unity in marriage means you support each other, make decisions together, and face challenges as one. Strong communication is vital to creating and maintaining that unity.”

As a couple, Sister Kauwe said, they have tried to be unified in seeking revelation for their life and family. Communication creates love and unity, invites revelation from the Holy Ghost, and brings power from God through both blessings and trials, she assured.

In conclusion, the two testified that marriage is a joyful part of God’s plan.

“Living righteously in unity invites divine power. As you make spiritual decisions and exercise priesthood authority together, you will find joy, revelation, and peace through God’s power and mercy,” President Kauwe said.

*Correction: A previous version of this article misattributed a quote to President Dallin H. Oaks. It was given by former Relief Society General President Barbara B. Smith.

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