What Parents and Leaders Can Do When Youth Don’t Meet Expectations

A few years ago, while serving as a mission leader, two sister missionaries informed me that some elders had done something I wasn’t thrilled about. I don’t even remember what it was. All I remember is that I wasn’t too happy.

Exasperated, I think I said something like, “They did what?” One of the sisters, Sister Pamela Araújo, calmly said, “President, take three long, deep breaths and say a little prayer.” This was good advice.

Sometimes, when someone disappoints us, we react in an impulsive and negative way. This can lead to poor decisions. When youth do not meet expectations, we can, as Sister Araújo reminded me, take a deep breath and say a little prayer.

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Stepping back a bit can help us keep perspective. Then, try asking questions instead of lecturing. Once you have gathered information, look to the future instead of the past. Make a new plan together.

Nephi was a good example of that. Things didn’t go the way Nephi and his brothers had originally expected when they attempted to get the brass plates from Laban. They had to make a second plan. When that one didn’t work either, Nephi had to make yet another plan (see 1 Nephi 3-4). Like Nephi, we need to offer second chances.

Stay positive and focus on their potential. Once when I was golfing, I teed up my ball and hit what I thought was a good shot. It looked like it was heading straight for the hole. But I could not find my ball. I couldn’t see it anywhere on the green. I figured that it landed in the sand trap in front of the green. I walked down to the green and started searching for my ball. I searched everywhere. No success. I became exasperated — even a little angry. Later, I realized I didn’t even think to check in the hole. It probably wasn’t there, but I didn’t look, just walked away. I had lost sight of the goal of getting the ball in the hole.

When youth seem to be missing most of their shots, help them see that they still have a good swing and if they just keep hitting the ball, it will eventually get into the hole. Don’t let them lose sight of their goal to become lifelong disciples of Jesus Christ. They may not make a good shot with every swing, but if they keep focused on Jesus Christ and their desire to follow Him, they will find happiness and joy along the way.

Two mission leaders were talking about how they motivated their missionaries. One said he did surprise visits to their apartments so he could catch them sleeping in. The other said, I call and tell them I am coming so I can catch them studying.

Finally, love them as if they were living exactly how you wish they were living. Those who are not living up to expectations are the very ones who need a positive relationship with a leader or parent more than anyone.

When the apostles were in the middle of a violent storm on the Sea of Galilee, would they have ever gone to the Savior for help if they did not have a relationship with Him? He was able to help — and teach — in a time of need because they knew He loved them. He was able to say, “Peace, be still” (Mark 4:39).