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By Kaitlyn Bancroft, Church News
The Disagree Better: A Parenting Toolkit features three parts.
The third section focuses on managing disagreements within a person’s community. The second part looks at handling disagreements with family members.
But the first section, titled “It Starts With Me,” is intended just for parents. And it’s designed as an internal, honest assessment of how parents are modeling disagreements to their children, said Dave Schramm, an associate professor and family life extension specialist at Utah State University.
“We set the example in our homes and our families,” Schramm said. “Children are watching or listening to our conversations. So really, to make any lasting difference in the home, it has to start with us, individuals [and] parents.”
Schramm recently helped create the free, online parenting toolkit in collaboration with Jason Carroll, director of the family initiative at Brigham Young University’s Wheatley Institute.
The project is supported by Utah Gov. Spencer J. Cox’s Disagree Better initiative. Cox began the initiative in July 2023 after becoming chair of the National Governors Association, a nonpartisan political group comprised of the country’s governors.
The group’s chair typically chooses an issue like infrastructure or transportation to focus on during the yearlong role. But Cox’s project aims to help people “learn to disagree in a way that allows us to find solutions and solve problems instead of endlessly bickering,” according to the initiative’s landing page on the National Governors Association website.
The initiative is also promoting resources like Schramm and Carroll’s parenting toolkit. The pair presented it at the National Governors Association Meeting in Nashville, Tennessee, on Tuesday, May 14.
Carroll said he hopes other governors will adapt the parenting toolkit for their states.
“I’m hopeful that the parent tool can be a bit of a next step or a call to action for … people to actually do something with the [Disagree Better] initiative,” he said.
‘Peacemakers Needed’ and ‘Words Matter’
Carroll and Schramm said that while designing the parenting toolkit, they tried to incorporate principles from President Russell M. Nelson’s April 2023 general conference talk, “Peacemakers Needed.”
“I am greatly concerned that so many people seem to believe that it is completely acceptable to condemn, malign and vilify anyone who does not agree with them,” President Nelson said at that time.
Disciples of Jesus Christ are to be examples of how to interact with others — especially when faced with differences of opinion, President Nelson continued, adding that contention and peacemaking are both a choice.
“One of the easiest ways to identify a true follower of Jesus Christ is how compassionately that person treats other people,” he said.
He continued by saying that the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes it possible to overcome evil, including contention. Charity, or the pure love of Christ, is the antidote to contention.
“Today, I am asking us to interact with others in a higher, holier way,” President Nelson said. “Please listen carefully. ‘If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy’ that we can say about another person — whether to his face or behind her back — that should be our standard of communication. … Examine your discipleship within the context of the way you treat others. I bless you to make any adjustments that may be needed so that your behavior is ennobling, respectful and representative of a true follower of Jesus Christ.”
Schramm said he and Carroll also considered Elder Ronald A. Rasband’s April 2024 general conference talk, “Words Matter.”
In that address, Elder Rasband invited listeners to consider the words of God and the words of His prophets; but he also taught the importance of considering one’s own words.
“Believe me, in our emoji-filled world, our words matter,” Elder Rasband said. “Our words can be supportive or angry, joyful or mean, compassionate or tossed aside. In the heat of the moment, words can sting and sink painfully deep into the soul — and stay there. Our words on the internet, texting, social media or tweets take on a life of their own. So be careful what you say and how you say it.”
Carroll and Schramm said these talks emphasize that disciples of Jesus Christ show who they are by how they treat others.
“How we interact with, even how we disagree with other people really, really matters,” Schramm said. “Relationships mean everything.”
How To Use The Toolkit
Disagree Better: A Parenting Toolkit is available for free online at DisagreeBetter.usu.edu. Each of its three modules takes 20 to 30 minutes to complete, according to a news release.
The lessons emphasize the PAUSE approach to handling disagreements: Pausing, Asking sincere questions, aiming for Understanding, Seeking common ground and Engaging in respectful discussion.
Carroll said the program was designed so that parents can share examples and complete exercises with kids of various ages. Some materials are better suited for grade-school kids, while some are geared toward teenagers.
“We’re just hopeful that, in a small way, it’s help[ing] parents be really intentional,” he said.
He also emphasized that the parenting toolkit isn’t comparable to professional counseling or other higher-level interventions that a family might need. Rather, it’s a preventative tool created to give families a “shared language” as they strive to improve their communication.
“We know that in relationships, when you can get that kind of shared language, it helps people be intentional together,” Carroll said. “It gives them ways to say, ‘This is something we’re focusing on.’”
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